It's been so long since I last had a blog. It wasn't that I didn't have the time or energy to devote myself to it, I just had been lazy. Furthermore, I had thought, who in their right mind would want to read about my life, it's boring, it's dark, and damn it sometimes I don't even want to be living it. Now, as an addict in recovery I can see the benefits of it. If anything someone can learn from my mistakes and gain something.
I've been dealing with a lot of raw emotion these past few weeks, and it's a blessing as well as a curse. I've been numbing myself so long I don't know how to deal with these things in front of me and it's terrifying. But my sobriety is more a blessing than anything else. I have accomplished so much in these 24 days than I feel like I accomplished last year. Scary to think I wasted so much of my beautiful life (10 years) on the finding, getting, and using of substance. I'm not living in the past, but merely living for today, and that's all I really can do. My boyfriend and I began attending Narcotics Anonymous together and it's taught me so much in such a short amount of time.
I worry that I will never fully recover from the damage I have done to my life, and I know that isn't fair to me. My family has already begun their healing process with me and I have done the same. I'm so thankful for that. I'm more than thankful for my wonderful boyfriend. Without his love, support and assistance I don't know where I would be today (probably homeless but it's unfair to speculate.). He has helped me more than any other man I have ever been with. How could I have allowed my standards to be so obscenely low for my whole life? Likely it's because of the disdain I have for myself. My self esteem is in the toilet, and thankfully through recovery I know that is something that will change. I am a beautiful and worthwhile person, and I need to learn to love myself. Additionally, next month I'll begin seeing a therapist and hopefully get on some medication for my bipolar disorder. I'd like them very much to also do a psychological evaluation to see what else is going on up there and how we can fix it.
In addition to my mental and physical healing, I'm attempting to get into school for Earth Sciences. I'm so intelligent and I have nothing to show for it as a result of my addiction and lack of caring. At first I wanted to better my life to prove to the people who have hurt me how great I am, but as time goes on I realize I want to do this for myself.
I'm so glad I wrote this post, and am looking forward to blogging more extensively in the future.
Namaste.
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