Today is both mine and S's 30th day in recovery, clean and sober. I am still kind of in disbelief, it's surreal.
But so so awesome.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
"Just For Today..."
What an amazing few days this has been. Despite feeling useless and down on myself I have accomplished so much!! I cleaned our entire house, top to bottom, made Chicken Tikka Masala (which I'll post more about tomorrow), got my new social security card all set up, as well as gained an NA sponsor. Things between S and I have been happy and wonderful, I even gifted him the new Gwar CD, "Bloody Pit of Horror" and it is absolutely awesome!!
I'm regaining touch with my higher power and that is a slow and steady process. I've even begun to have dreams again. This isn't something that happens often, and if they do I don't remember them, let alone have them more than once. Last week I had a dream two nights in a row where I was just drinking and drinking water out of a clear round glass. I drank and drank and drank. That was my dream. I thought it odd, and neglected to look it up to find meaning. Now, writing this blog and reflecting I had to do so, and I found something so relevant....it's almost scary. It said "To dream that you are drinking water represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively the dream may indicate you are really thirsty." I hydrate often, and despite our house being dry, I don't get dehydrated. I've been more conscious about drinking water, but I felt so taken aback by the relevance of the beginning of it. That is precisely what I have been doing these last 28 days. I'm through externalizing everything, the root of the problem generally lies within one's self. I feel spiritually refreshed. I haven't been talking to my higher power just yet, it honestly scares me....but the small things, just believing, have made such a difference for me. I started wearing my protection amulet again every day, and it gives me strength. I'm finding joy in the manifestations of my God around me; the melting icicles on S and I's house, the adorable ridiculousness of our two adorable kitties, S's hand on my face, the glint of the sun on a cold winter's day. It reminds me that God is all around me as I see her. For that today I am thankful.
I'm regaining touch with my higher power and that is a slow and steady process. I've even begun to have dreams again. This isn't something that happens often, and if they do I don't remember them, let alone have them more than once. Last week I had a dream two nights in a row where I was just drinking and drinking water out of a clear round glass. I drank and drank and drank. That was my dream. I thought it odd, and neglected to look it up to find meaning. Now, writing this blog and reflecting I had to do so, and I found something so relevant....it's almost scary. It said "To dream that you are drinking water represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively the dream may indicate you are really thirsty." I hydrate often, and despite our house being dry, I don't get dehydrated. I've been more conscious about drinking water, but I felt so taken aback by the relevance of the beginning of it. That is precisely what I have been doing these last 28 days. I'm through externalizing everything, the root of the problem generally lies within one's self. I feel spiritually refreshed. I haven't been talking to my higher power just yet, it honestly scares me....but the small things, just believing, have made such a difference for me. I started wearing my protection amulet again every day, and it gives me strength. I'm finding joy in the manifestations of my God around me; the melting icicles on S and I's house, the adorable ridiculousness of our two adorable kitties, S's hand on my face, the glint of the sun on a cold winter's day. It reminds me that God is all around me as I see her. For that today I am thankful.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
When She Asked I Didn't Know What To Say...
Now I do. On the phone with my mother this morning I remarked at how much I loved my boyfriend, and how he makes me want to be a better person. She asked me how long I'd known him and how I knew, and I gave her the easy answers. Of course, later on I always think of the things I should have said.
Getting dressed for the evening out of my comfy day clothes I put on a shirt I feel plain and unattractive in. I remembered a few weeks ago, the first time I had worn it in front of S, and his reaction. "You look beautiful, baby."
Even when I feel plain and ugly, he thinks I'm beautiful.
Even when I screw up home made ravioli and we have to order out, he tells me it's okay, and it would have been delicious.
Even when I think I can't stay clean, he gives me strength to keep going.
That's how I know.
Getting dressed for the evening out of my comfy day clothes I put on a shirt I feel plain and unattractive in. I remembered a few weeks ago, the first time I had worn it in front of S, and his reaction. "You look beautiful, baby."
Even when I feel plain and ugly, he thinks I'm beautiful.
Even when I screw up home made ravioli and we have to order out, he tells me it's okay, and it would have been delicious.
Even when I think I can't stay clean, he gives me strength to keep going.
That's how I know.
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Clean Time Doesn't Matter."
I am so sick and tired of going to meetings and hearing someone say that. It matters a hell of a lot. I can't remember the last time I was clean for 24 days. Every day is a damn miracle. I realize I need to get a sponsor, do service work, follow the steps, but DAMN. I hear so many conflicting views on this. It's just irritating to have something I'm so proud of be spit on like that.
Clean time absolutely matters to me. I get my 30 day key tag next Monday, and I'll probably bawl like a baby.
Clean time absolutely matters to me. I get my 30 day key tag next Monday, and I'll probably bawl like a baby.
Turn and Face The World...Ch Ch Changes...
It's been so long since I last had a blog. It wasn't that I didn't have the time or energy to devote myself to it, I just had been lazy. Furthermore, I had thought, who in their right mind would want to read about my life, it's boring, it's dark, and damn it sometimes I don't even want to be living it. Now, as an addict in recovery I can see the benefits of it. If anything someone can learn from my mistakes and gain something.
I've been dealing with a lot of raw emotion these past few weeks, and it's a blessing as well as a curse. I've been numbing myself so long I don't know how to deal with these things in front of me and it's terrifying. But my sobriety is more a blessing than anything else. I have accomplished so much in these 24 days than I feel like I accomplished last year. Scary to think I wasted so much of my beautiful life (10 years) on the finding, getting, and using of substance. I'm not living in the past, but merely living for today, and that's all I really can do. My boyfriend and I began attending Narcotics Anonymous together and it's taught me so much in such a short amount of time.
I worry that I will never fully recover from the damage I have done to my life, and I know that isn't fair to me. My family has already begun their healing process with me and I have done the same. I'm so thankful for that. I'm more than thankful for my wonderful boyfriend. Without his love, support and assistance I don't know where I would be today (probably homeless but it's unfair to speculate.). He has helped me more than any other man I have ever been with. How could I have allowed my standards to be so obscenely low for my whole life? Likely it's because of the disdain I have for myself. My self esteem is in the toilet, and thankfully through recovery I know that is something that will change. I am a beautiful and worthwhile person, and I need to learn to love myself. Additionally, next month I'll begin seeing a therapist and hopefully get on some medication for my bipolar disorder. I'd like them very much to also do a psychological evaluation to see what else is going on up there and how we can fix it.
In addition to my mental and physical healing, I'm attempting to get into school for Earth Sciences. I'm so intelligent and I have nothing to show for it as a result of my addiction and lack of caring. At first I wanted to better my life to prove to the people who have hurt me how great I am, but as time goes on I realize I want to do this for myself.
I'm so glad I wrote this post, and am looking forward to blogging more extensively in the future.
Namaste.
I've been dealing with a lot of raw emotion these past few weeks, and it's a blessing as well as a curse. I've been numbing myself so long I don't know how to deal with these things in front of me and it's terrifying. But my sobriety is more a blessing than anything else. I have accomplished so much in these 24 days than I feel like I accomplished last year. Scary to think I wasted so much of my beautiful life (10 years) on the finding, getting, and using of substance. I'm not living in the past, but merely living for today, and that's all I really can do. My boyfriend and I began attending Narcotics Anonymous together and it's taught me so much in such a short amount of time.
I worry that I will never fully recover from the damage I have done to my life, and I know that isn't fair to me. My family has already begun their healing process with me and I have done the same. I'm so thankful for that. I'm more than thankful for my wonderful boyfriend. Without his love, support and assistance I don't know where I would be today (probably homeless but it's unfair to speculate.). He has helped me more than any other man I have ever been with. How could I have allowed my standards to be so obscenely low for my whole life? Likely it's because of the disdain I have for myself. My self esteem is in the toilet, and thankfully through recovery I know that is something that will change. I am a beautiful and worthwhile person, and I need to learn to love myself. Additionally, next month I'll begin seeing a therapist and hopefully get on some medication for my bipolar disorder. I'd like them very much to also do a psychological evaluation to see what else is going on up there and how we can fix it.
In addition to my mental and physical healing, I'm attempting to get into school for Earth Sciences. I'm so intelligent and I have nothing to show for it as a result of my addiction and lack of caring. At first I wanted to better my life to prove to the people who have hurt me how great I am, but as time goes on I realize I want to do this for myself.
I'm so glad I wrote this post, and am looking forward to blogging more extensively in the future.
Namaste.
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