S and I went to a wedding last Friday (the 4th) for my friends B&S. It was held in a beautiful little chapel, and they got to incorporate elements of both of their religious philosophies, like a Celtic Handfasting. It was beautiful. Admittedly, after my bad experience with my first marriage it really scared me and gave me a sense of something I'm not sure I'm ever going to have again. T was a child in our marriage and that isn't something that I ever want again, but I do want that security, and knowing that someone wants only me forever. I guess it's more than a symbol. Anyhow, I got my hair done before the wedding, and got dolled up in my new little black dress and red heels, new makeup. It was fantastic. Not one person I knew there recognized me. Not one! It was so amazing. I hardly recognize myself. I can feel my self esteem swelling since that day, because I look and feel so different. It's amazing what a new haircut will do for a gal.
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| From B & S Gubany Wedding |
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| From B & S Gubany Wedding |
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| From B & S Gubany Wedding |
After the dinner portion of the reception we left, since we're both in recovery and neither of us wanted to be tempted to drink. Seth dropped me off at the one LARP I still attend and I had a ball. Didn't get home till 4 am and then went in at 5 that evening (Saturday) for my second day of work. 3 whole hours. It's frustrating to keep hearing I'm going to get slammed with hours and to not see it happening. I could already be working the bar and serving by myself, it's not rocket science. I'll have the chance to prove myself tomorrow night, because I want to be able to do my own thing. It also sounds like I'm going to be working a lot of weekends, which I have no problem with, but I do think it's unfair that no other employees will be. I mean, really I only want the first Friday and Third Saturday of every month off. Not too hard right? I suppose it is. Anyhow, that rant is for another day.
I spent the rest of the weekend relaxing with S, and on Monday we had our weekly NA home group meeting here in Highland. It was an awful experience. I felt completely singled out because I am in a relationship with someone in the program. Two people cut down those in relationships in the program, stating if one of us relapses, the other is likely sure to follow and also that if they attend meetings together they use each other like a "warm blanket" and that they can't share as honestly. I was so angry and hurt by this!!! I am so thankful to have S in the program with me. I don't think there is one thing that I've said to him in private or that I've thought in my own head that I haven't shared in a meeting. How dare these people act like we have no control? If he were to relapse today, I can't say that I wouldn't, but I don't want to. Addiction is a cunning disease, and love sometimes can cloud our judgement, but I am my own person, and my recovery is MINE. Not S's, not anyone else's, mine. I almost walked out of that meeting. I'm going to an out of town meeting tonight, and I'll discuss it with my sponsor and ask her advice. It just cut me very deeply. When people act like that, or say things that these people did in regards to other things (I won't go into detail.) it drives newcomers away, of which there were two at that meeting. I don't really know how to express how angry I was. But I didn't snap, and I didn't walk out of the meeting and that's a big accomplishment for me.
S and have started exercising again which I'm super thankful for. Monday night we did the P90x Cardio, and last night we did their Kenpo X video. Today I'm really feeling the burn in my muscles and joints. It's a fantastic feeling, actually. My amazing boyfriend in all of his brilliance came up with a list of tangible exercise goals to keep us motivated. They range from Weddings, to our vacation to Gen Con, to games we're participating in. As we've both said, "For Vanity's Sake." I think that that's a good kind of selfish, because really, yes I'm doing some things I have and am doing to show up other people. However, I'm doing them to better myself, and through that showing up others. I don't see anything wrong with that and I'm okay with it.
I have another appointment for my collar bone (which I broke in August) on Monday and then on Tuesday I have my first psych appointment. Other than that I just spend my time with my boyfriend and our two adorable cats, on my recovery, and working and gaming.
Such is the life of someone trying to find herself I suppose. :)
1) Well T WAS (and IS) a CHILD so yea, don't let your view on marriage be influenced by him as there are people in this world that are responsible and beautiful and amazing and love unconditionally (I know I have one).
ReplyDelete2) I can't believe that you having support from someone who is close who is also trying to change is seen as a bad thing. As long as you both have outside support that isn't each other I think you guys will do just fine (I am rooting for you both btw)
3) I know I just said this to you in chat but I LOVE YOUR HAIR!
4) I need to get back into working out. Maybe you can motivate me in that!
Most of all yaya you love you!
Damn someone beat me to comment.
ReplyDeleteBut I was going to say:
1. I LOVE the new look! You Look sooooo good! Gorgeous dear, and kinda daring. Which goes with the new life style. :)
2. I agree with the comments above. In your first marriage, you were both children. But you are the one making progress. I actually talked to him about this yesterday, so be proud! There is nothing wrong with wanting just one person in your life, and vis versa.
3. Those people in the meeting obviously don't understand how strong you and S are. In fact, I am quit envious you have someone to go through this process with you. They say if one relapses.. But did they mention anything about how its x2 the strength now? You have eachothers back, and that's all you need to keep you drive up!
4. Exercising is good. I've been doing it a lot now that I retook my oath of sobriety. Its keeping me on track, and makes me sooo tired, I'm not even tempted to hang out with the people that do things around here.
5. I love you, and I dont care how up and down you are, its something you will figure out.It may take time, but as long as you are willing to accept its an issue and work on it, I know you'll be fine.
That's all.
<3
@Lisa -
ReplyDelete1) I'm not sure I believe in unconditional love. It may take some time to change that, but I feel like all I've known is conditional love. I need to learn the difference. First before I can even consider marriage to be good and worthwhile I have to fix myself. But I don't disagree with what you had to say there.
2) Thank you!! I thought I was alone in my feelings. I plan to discuss it with my sponsor but I think for the most part I'm over it. Even if we split up I think I would be okay. I don't want to go back to the life I led before. I was a crappy person then.
3) Thank you again!!! It's really done a shift in my opinion of myself. :D
4) You should!! Exercise is good for you mentally and physically!!! I definitely want to help motivate others to better themselves too!!
I LOVE YOU GIRL!
@Carrie -
ReplyDelete1. Thank you!! Someone told me it was a very adult look, which is befitting of the new lifestyle also.
2. I'll admit, I'm curious what you both had to say in a way. I'm so happy people can see I'm changing for the better. The best motivation is myself.
3. Like I said to Lisa, I'm over it.
4. Agree. Keep it up!
5. I love you too. It's why I have an appointment with a shrink and am planning to try a vitamin therapy to help with the depression. But PMS can't really be helped.
"How dare these people act like we have no control?"
ReplyDeleteJust a thinking point from my perspective, so no offence meant. I don't know what basis of model NA uses to help people stay on the straight and narrow, but many 12 step programs tell people to admit they have no control and to turn that control to a 'higher power'.
Maybe these people who have said this believe in this and since clearly, if they have no control, why should anyone else?
That said, I agree 50% with the comment Just Carrie stated. True, in S and your's case, you do help each other, you provide and strengthen each other, bolstering each other against any weakening. On the flip side of the coin, and maybe the one that is more often seen, is the significant other who is the enabler, who does hurt and would likely weaken the other. I need say no more.
Nevertheless, these people don't know you or S, they aren't in your head, they don't know how things work other then their own experiences. Maybe, in their own way they want to help by offering what they consider good advice. Or maybe they are just big D-bags....
W'raa